“ You only learn where you are inside, when life gives you the test.
Will you back down, turn and run, or stand up with the best?”
Today, I got a special package in the mail. I've gotten thousands of packages in the mail over the years, but this one is the most special one yet.
It's this, the San Diego Comic Con exclusive No Holds Barred Ultimate Edition 2-Pack. I went through a lot of Hell this past weekend to secure this. Even more in the years leading up to this. But it's here. In the flesh (or plastic if you will).
How did this happen you may ask and why is a two pack of figures so damn special to you?
Well, it's a long story so you may want to grab something to drink or snack on. Maybe take that long poop you've been holding back on.
Apologies to my fellow ADHD peoples as there's going to be many times where you're going to have read this and re-read this over again.
Here's that story....
All jokes and memes made about it aside, No Holds Barred holds a special place in my heart. It was the movie I rented the most as a child. One of my first memories was watching the Movie and Match PPV with my late grandmother at the 8pm showing (it ran all day). It was the first tape I tried to buy on my own, only to be heartbroken when it was found to be discontinued. I wore out so many blank tapes of this movie that I recorded off premium and broadcast TV. It was the very first thing I ever bought online when through school I discovered Amazon and eBay for the first time. I even made it my mission to collect every known US release of the movie, which I did. On Wrestlecrap, I'm even featured under my deadname (got to see if RD can change that).
So when I found they were making a SDCC exclusive that resembled the VHS and Beta I tracked down (own one of only TWO known Beta copies BTW, I'd love to meet whoever bought the other), I had to have it. Especially since the past five years haven't been the best, especially these past several months with my health in decline and a ton of tests and procedures to come. I sold a few things I could part with and not be sad and had the money up.
But then....the site cost me the set. At 11:59am, I had it in my cart, was sent back to the main page, came back to be placed in a ten minute line with it again in my cart, only to have it sold out when I went to checkout. Calls to Mattel found no help, instead a supervisor with the same first name as me misgendering me and showing no remorse as she did so many others who called in.
I saw so many people happy who got theirs, including one who was supposedly a friend who I was originally happy for. He'd been through a lot recently too and needed it himself. Still, I knew he had backup plans and asked if he could help me, those pleas went unanswered.
I was in a bad place. I've been in some really bad places in my life but this one was the worst. I never asked for anything in my life. If I can get something, I will try, but I've had to either sell something I had or fight for it. For everything I have. Thirty years of fighting. I was done. Like done with everything and everybody. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't even use the bathroom. The ONE time I asked for something, I was denied. I blocked more people this weekend than at any other time in my life because I knew where they truly stood with me. Not even a check in like a "hey are you okay?".
I'm a person of faith, but not religious. I truly believe there's something out there. Even though I've been let down time and time again, I still believed even if it was only a fraction. They say that there's a reason for everything. That things happen for a reason even if you don't understand them.
That's what happened Saturday night. Two things happened. Firstly, I found a seller on eBay who had the item IN HAND as they bought them from San Diego Comic Con themselves. Whereas everyone who ordered online through Mattel weren't getting them until September, I could have one by the end of the week. Even more in my favor, I told him what had happened to me in submitting an offer and he accepted! So now I had it secured and just had to figure out how to sort my budget or what else I could sell to make up the difference. I was 100 bucks in the hole as I got food earlier to try and eat something. Now I had to make up this difference.
But then came perhaps the biggest angel of them all.
A follower of mine who chooses to remain anonymous reached out to me and offered to send me money to help me buy one. I kept asking if this was for real and if he was sure about this. I have never had enough money in my life to fully secure myself much less give to someone else. Even when I do, it's maybe like ten or twenty dollars. But he sent me WAY more than I could've asked for. It was enough that I was able to basically grab it for retail!
For the first time in my life, someone helped me out in a major way and didn't even ask for anything in return! I've been here thirty six years through many holidays and birthdays where I didn't get shit, not because we were poor, but because I wasn't considered worthy. I literally watched as my mother would get all these gifts for her nephews and her other son, but never for me. As an adult, I started making my own birthdays and holidays and got my own gifts for myself. Still, I never felt really worthy.
That was until this moment. I was in tears on the phone looking at the money that was sent to me and wondering why someone would do that for me. Even a few days later as I'm writing this, it's still doesn't seem real and I'm still trying to process it. I always tried my best to do for others because I didn't want them to be like me. I had a reason even through it all. I never truly knew that people could be nice just because. I saw it happen to other people but it always felt like bullshit. Because clearly it would've happened to me long ago right?
As I'm writing this, I can look to my right and see the figures bought in the inner VHS box packaging, right in the middle of my VHS copy from long ago (how I haven't wornt it out yet, I have no idea) and my Beta copy that I rescued from basically being thrown in the trash from mold. For those familiar with my Wrestlecrap story, I finally DID find someone who could remove the mold and luckily it was only on the surface with a tiny part (like a few seconds) of the tape being affected. It is now fully rescued and restored.
In the days that followed, I noticed even though things still sucked pretty much which is the life of a disabled person who's mind and body have been broken from a battle with trauma that'll never end, at least I have a sense of hope and vision that I haven't had in years if not ever.
For a lot of you, this figure set was just a cool piece for your collection or something you can brag to your friends, maybe sell on eBay.
For me however, it's a symbol of hope. A symbol of my survival. I can look at that every time I feel down and immediately smile. I can see it every time I go to sleep or whenever I wake in the morning. Even though my life is still shit and I do get those moments of sadness thinking about what I'll potentially miss out on, at least I can look at that and remember not only my happiest memories in a dark childhood, but also the kindness of a stranger. One who was no doubt sent to me to teach me that YES, there ARE people who care.
I was told shortly before this that there are people who care and want to see me win, I just haven't met them yet. I thought it was absolutely bullshit because if there was, they would've come by now.
Yet, here are a few. The one who basically saved my life, and the few people who did reach out to me if only to keep me going for a little more time.
I truly cannot thank y'all enough. What you've done for me, I cannot accurately describe without you being in my head and mindset and my experiences.
To the person who made the biggest difference, I mean this in the most sincere way: I love you. I truly truly love you. Your kindness gave me a second wind in life and it may seem like a small gesture to you, but to me, it's the biggest thing ever.
To all you that ignored my pleas or decided to be selfish by buying multiples of these knowing there were others like me, shame on you. I would give the same rants that I did this past weekend but I'm much calmer now and I'm remembering what a late aunt told me about choosing my words carefully as they can make all the difference.
I hope that you reap what you have sown. I hope something happens where you're put in a position that you are this helpless. I truly hope one day you'll decide to have a conscience and grow a heart. I truly pity you. Truly truly pity you.
Especially to that person who lost my friendship over choosing to ignore a fellow fan in need, especially knowing my story, shame on you especially. Yeah that's great you'll “do everything you can to get it” as you wrote in your Instagram story but not all of us are as lucky as you or have the means as you do. I had to sell things that I didn't want to truly part with in order to raise the money. Including an ornament I swore I wouldn't sell but I needed this rather than that. YES, I sold Snoopy for Rip and Zeus.
You literally chose a toy over friendship and I truly pity you for that and despite what I said then, I'm still happy for you. Because when push comes to shove, I'm not a person who'll shit on someone when they are down. I could say a few things that would truly devastate you, but that's something that my mother would do, not me. Still, you hurt me pretty fucking bad and I can't every truly forgive you for that.
To Mattel Creations, as I said countless times, you owe all of us an apology as well as a second wave. In the cart, it said this was a "made to order item". You could've made more. You have the CHANCE to make more as you're not shipping out until September. Yet you chose not to. There wasn't even a number attached either. It's not like there was only ten thousand and that's it. It's MADE TO ORDER. So explain to me and everyone else how the HELL you sold out of this damn thing?
Especially when you had boxes and boxes of them at SDCC and allowed people to buy THREE per customer, and allowed them to do it multiple times too?! From the emails I'm getting from y'all, you still haven't learned. When that Tony Hawk board goes up, and by the time this is published, it probably will, I cannot fathom what a shit storm that will be. For only a hundred of them too. Yeah....
To Rachel, the bad one on the phone, our name in Hebrew means "one with purity". It doesn't mean "raging bitch", though believe me, we can be one. But Rachels generally have big hearts. We are big hearted people. We don't treat people like trash who don't have it coming. We are carers. Givers. The way you treated me and a few other people I know that you talked to was downright despicable. Especially for a "supervisor". You have power. Use it.
Because as Jon Taffer always says "you're not a supervisor, you're a stupidvisor". Yes, I was a Bar Rescue fan before he became a big Trump guy *BLEH*. Grow a heart and stop treating people like shit. You're not letting us fellow Rachels down, but you're letting yourself down too.
Finally to the few that took the time to reach out, even if it didn't seem like much, you helped me in a major way too. You showed me care even in my darkest moment to date. You saw me on a tear and didn't care how loud and pissed I was. You knew deep down I was hurting and that's why I was sniping so much. You saw past my cries for help and my rants and you came to my aid. Especially to you, that one that told me explicitly that she wished that she could help me but that she had nothing to give or couldn't get it. Your care was enough. The fact you even offered or that you even thought of trying is more than what most would do in my life. You are one of the best friends I could ever ask for and I truly hope I get to thank you and the rest of you in person. Especially the one who so selfishly sent me money to help me secure it. I know I haven't started transitioning yet because of all these health issues, but I hope you'll let me give you a peck on the cheek and a big hug in person one day.
After a long battle still to be fought, after years of struggle, years of heartbreak, of tears, of pain that I still deal with every day, I now have something to look at on my dresser than can give me hope and life and allow me to say that YES....I finally "Got 'Em".
Rachel Schaeffer is a disabled trans woman and writer on Substance and Twitter. She is the owner of every single US release of “No Holds Barred” on home video. Her collection has been featured on Wrestlecrap under their “Someone Bought This” category while using her deadname as a closeted person. She uses the words “jockass” and “jabroni” in almost every conversation and her main outside interest is her charity work. She enjoys French cuisine and random diner visits with a person she's trying to bed and hates ex-cons who kill people in the ring and slimy TV executives who want her on their networks. She lives with her brother Randy and her trainer Charlie. Only three of these things are actually correct and the rest are from the movie in question. Hey look, she told me to write this bio okay? I never even seen the damn movie…